A BRIEF STORY
Once upon a time the bravest knight in the kingdom saved the most beautiful princess by slaying a fire-breathing dragon. He proposed. She said yes. They lived happily ever after. For five minutes. Then the dragon came back and ate everyone.
I once took a class in creative writing and I wish I had come up with that piece back then. First, a disclaimer: If you are one of those love conquers all people, keep reading. I’m about to teach you. If you are one of those I see a couple eating each other’s face and I want to shoot them people, (shoot them) keep reading. You might like this.
This past evening I was having a lovely dinner with my girlfriend (more on that momentarily) when I was inflicted with a case of eavesdroppingitis. It is a common infliction in people who are nosy, bored, boring, stupid, annoying, or nosy. I am all of these things.
I overheard the conversation of the table next to us. It was a reunion of five girls who were clearly friends in high school getting together for dinner to catch up with each other’s lives. Sound nice? Wait for it. One of the girls was telling the other four about her fiancé, and it took quite a bit of effort for me to not turn around and ask her qu’est-ce que fuck?
What’s wrong with her telling her girlfriends about her fiancé you ask? Well remember how I said they were friends from high school? Well from a previous bout of eavesdroppingitis I learned that they had graduated last year. That means this girl was 18 or 19 years old.
QUICK RUN OF THE FACTS
- Girl is a teenager? Well if she graduated from high school last year the oldest she could be is 19. Check.
- Girl has known her fiancé for less than a year? She met him in university, which she clearly just started going to. Check.
- Girl is ridiculously stupid? No explanation needed. Check.
As the girl gushed and gushed about her fiancé, I fought to not say anything and flew out of that restaurant as fast as possible. Upon reflection my first thought was, what is wrong with this woman? Sorry, girl. What the hell? And then I remembered Rule # 1, Everyone is stupid. And I realized this girl’s relationship needs a fire-breathing dragon.
I think it’s important for you to know, I’ve been in a committed relationship for over four years. More importantly, I’ve been in a relationship for over four years with my high school sweetheart. We have a wonderful and beautiful relationship and love each other very much.
Take as much time as you need to puke out a rainbow and then come back. I need to tell you why I hate relationships.
Yes I’m in a relationship, and yes I do hate them. Stop starring have you never seen a hypocrite before?
THE FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON
What is a relationship’s Fire-Breathing Dragon? It’s the thing in your relationship that stops you from the delusion that your relationship will be happily ever after. It kicks your fairytale-still-in-the-honeymoon-stage-not-thinking-ass. It reminds you that relationships are awful. They take a lot of work, a lot of compromise, a lot of money (and welcome to 2012 that goes for Ladies and Gentlemen), and a lot of fighting. A lot of fighting. Fighting is a necessity. If you meet two people who claim to be in a relationship and don’t fight, the relationship either just started, or they’re lying, or one of them is a programmable robot.
The point of this is not that relationships take more effort than a damn triathlon, anyone can see that. The point is that at some point in your relationship you will want to feed your significant other to a real fire-breathing dragon, of poison their coffee, and you need to deal with that. And if you haven’t dealt with that, you should be alone, forever.
THE MARRIAGE PROPOSITION
Now, let us go back to Ms. Newly-Engaged. How do I know that she hasn’t dealt with that already? She’s too young, and it’s too fast. Listen all you young people out there, you know when older people tell us that we’ll understand it better when we’re older? They’re right. It’s all about experience, and lots of it. And old people have more experience than anyone, that’s why Betty White is so wise, but I digress. Us young people, we’re too stupid for relationships. If we weren’t lonely and horny, I would recommend a law banning them, but that’s another story.
If in the last few minutes you considered mentioning “love at first sight”, “Romeo and Juliet”, or anything to do with Nicholas Sparks, I can’t help you. Disconnect from the internet, shut down your electronic device, and walk away.
The most obvious sign a relationship is a problem is that almost all relationships are entered with the potential for marriage. My thoughts on marriage (or as my girlfriend calls them “crazy and irrational fears”) aside, remember marriage doesn’t end with “and they lived happily ever after“, it ends with an even bigger Fire-Breathing Dragon.
Now at this point you may be very angry. You may tell me that you know of many happy relationships, many happy marriages, and a leprechaun. And I say to you, I don’t care. There are exceptions to every rule and you’re probably lying anyways. This is not to say relationships are a bad thing, everyone needs someone. And as long as your relationship has a Fire-Breathing Dragon, you just might not kill each other. I’m also not saying marriage is evil, maybe you want to get married, maybe you already are, maybe you’re happy, and maybe you’ll stay that way. There’s a chance, but the odds are against you.