AVENGE THE MOVIE THEATRE!
I recently went to go see The Avengers in theatres. If you haven’t seen it yet, stop. Go watch it, and then come back. You’re missing out on ample fun times. There are explosions, humour, superhero-comic-book-stuff, Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson eye candy, Robert Downey Jr. being awesome, and Samuel L. Jackson being Samuel L. Jackson. Actually it’s kind of like this:
Anyways, while we all sit in appreciation, I shall tell you a quick story. I went to see The Avengers twice, and lucky I did. The second time I took my younger brother to see the movie and you know what I overheard?
The whole movie.
YOU WOULDN’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M ANGRY
Qu’est-ce que fuck? Who brings a baby (or a small child) to a movie? More importantly, who brings a baby to a movie with explosions? I don’t understand the rationale behind that. Not only are you an idiot, you’re a bad parent. And let me explain why:
- Idiot: You brought something loud and distracting into a movie theatre. You’re either the world’s biggest jackass, or you’re an idiot. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.
- Bad parent: Your child is probably crying out of fear. You are not removing the child from the distressing environment. There should be laws against you breeding.
I was so angry that I wanted to SMASH PUNY BABY! But apparently, that’s frowned upon. Still, I can’t be that evil, everyone else in the theatre wanted to smash the little child too. Now obviously it’s not the child’s fault, it’s the stupid parents. So parents out there, I beg of you, don’t be stupid. Please keep your children out of public until you have them well trained enough to get them to shut up.
It’s not that I hate children, they’re delicious in pies. I love pies, especially Infant Pie. Now, while you may find cannibalism jokes in bad taste (pun emphatically intended), I disagree. I don’t hate kids, they’re fine in small doses. It’s just that for the most part, babies are annoying. And while you may think your child is the most precious thing on the planet, the rest of us know it’s just going to grow up to be like you. Yeah, we’re disappointed.
And I understand that children are the future. And cute, fat, and all that fun stuff. But the future’s not today, so please get it out of my face; unless I can shove it in my face in the form of a pie.
BUT WAIT, THERE’S LOGIC!
I know what you’re thinking. I was once a baby. I wouldn’t have very much liked being made into pie. And I would disagree with you, I was never a baby.
But yes some very amazing people were once babies. My favourite example, The Black Widow:
Yes, I am aware that Scarlett Johansson was once a baby too. But I’m not saying we get rid of babies (although I do like my pies), I’m just suggesting we keep them away from places where they disrupt the public until they’re well trained. For all the parents out there, here is a list of places you probably shouldn’t bring a child:
THE “SO YOU NEED A BABYSITTER LIST”
- THE MOVIES
I think I’ve talked about this one enough, but in case I haven’t, let me spell it out for you. If you cannot guarantee that your child will not make a sound during the film do us all a favour, D – V – D.
I don’t mean McDonald’s. By all means fatten your child up as much as possible; it makes the pies so much more delectable. I mean nice restaurants. Like The Keg. NO CHILD EVER should be allowed in that restaurant. It’s such a nice place with a great ambiance (I feel so smart using that word), and a screaming child just ruins it. If you want to go out to a nice restaurant, buy the kid a cheeseburger, and leave it at home. Otherwise, send me a post card from East Side Mario’s.
There’s alcohol, there’s dancing, there’s mature jokes, there’s staying out past 9 p.m. All things a parent dreads with a child around. So don’t bring them. “Oh but the ring boy and the flower girl!” I don’t care. Unless you have them well trained, let them do their job at the ceremony, and then get them the hell out. I want to party.
Have screaming infant? Use rent-a-car. And I’m not the only one whoever thought of this, check out this (unfortunately) April Fool’s Joke:
Still, it’s fun to dream, is it not?
- COFFEE SHOPS
I’m a Starbucks douchebag. You know the type, those people that get the really complicated, pointless, stupid order and pay $20 for a damn coffee. That’s me. But I also enjoy sitting there with my laptop, a book, a friend, or even with my homework; and just enjoying myself. And let me tell you, children are the worst thing that can happen to a coffee shop. The pleasant music, the quiet conversations, the people enjoying a book, or having fun with a laptop; must all come to a screeching halt while a child is in there.
Now parent’s I understand that you need your caffeine. You are a parent after all. But do a tag team thing, or go through the drive thru, just don’t bring the kid inside. And if you absolutely must, do not stay. Ever.
I hope this one is obvious.
SMASH PUNY BABY
Now by no means would I consider that list complete, but I think it’s a fair compromise. I don’t ask for your child to be removed from my sidewalk, you don’t bring your screaming child anywhere where if an adult screamed, they would be forcefully beaten or removed. Because although I’m a fairly peaceful person, for the entire film all I wanted to do was SMASH PUNY BABY!