Tales from My Trip to the ER

AND IN THIS CORNER…. TOILET!

Rule # 1: Everyone is Stupid.                     Rule # 2: Everyone is Stupid. In case you missed the memo (yes, there were memos), Everyone, includes you and me. And I think it’s time that I make that absolutely clear. I’m just as stupid as everyone else, and I know it. I admit, it’s not as catchy as LMFAO’s song, but still, I’m stupid and I know it. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.

Now, people say and do stupid things every day. And then I turn around and exploit them. Now it’s time to exploit myself. Sometimes it can be difficult to remember the stupid things we’ve done, mainly because we try blocking them from our memory. The incredible thing is, we’re usually successful (unless we did it in front of an audience and no one ever lets us forget it), but the funny thing is, there is always something stupid you said or did in recent memory.

So, what’s my recent stupid adventure?

Well even though I kind of drive like these people:

That’s not my stupid adventure. My driving is so bad and hypocritical that its stupidity requires its own blog.

No. My stupid adventure is a lot more interesting.

I wrestled with a toilet, and almost lost an eye.

O.K. SERIOUSLY NOW

I’m telling the truth, sort of. I did almost lose an eye to my toilet. And no, my toilet is not an evil menace to society. And no, it is not a violent transforming robot. It is a toilet. So how you ask, did I almost lose an eye?

Well the dumbass that I am, I decided that I would use Lysol toilet bowl cleaner to clean the toilet; and the brainiac that I am, I got really into the toilet cleaning with my face half way into the toilet, scrubbing away with one of them fancy toilet brush things. Then for some reason I decided to drop the brush, causing a mix of toilet water and Lysol Toilet bowl cleaner to splash up.

And that is when Lysol Toilet Bowl Cleaner splashed into my face.

And burned me like a real son of a bitch.

FUN FACTS

  • Lysol Toilet Bowl Cleaner contains hydrochloric acid
  • It took me three tries to spell “hydrochloric” properly
  • Getting hydrochloric acid in your eye is not safe
  • It requires a special kind of stupid to do this
  • This website explains the rest: http://www.drugs.com/cg/chemical-eye-burns.html

AN APPLE A DAY AIN’T GOING TO HELP

I am not a fan of doctors and hospitals. So much so, that for years I actually had an apple a day to keep them away. This dislike stems more from discomfort and fear than anything else, still, it is discomfort. So when I had my little accident, I really didn’t want to go to the hospital; but I didn’t have much of a choice, because even after flushing my eye:

  1. My face felt like it was on fire.
  2. I looked like Aaron Eckhart.

So off to the emergency room I went.

AT THE ER

I’ve already said that hospitals scare me. Maybe it’s because I’ve had poor preparation. Every time I go to a hospital, I expect the doctors to be from M*A*S*H, or to be McMuffins. Or at least for my trip to be something like this:

Perhaps I should have watched more ER instead.

At the hospital I told them I stuck my head in a toilet (which really wasn’t true), but I had no idea what else to say. When they asked me for my home address, I gave them my work address. When they asked for my phone number, I gave them my Dad’s; and when they asked for my emergency contact, I gave them my number. And I still wasn’t the stupidest person in the hospital.

THE “STUPID PEOPLE IN THE HOSPITAL” COMPETITION

1. BEST PARKING SPOT

Perhaps the stupidest person was the guy who parked in the ambulance drop off. What made this so stupid was according to one of the nurses, the guy turned out to be visiting a friend. There was no emergency; he just thought it was a parking spot. I can only imagine: “wow I can’t believe no one has taken this spot yet!”

2. I’M SORRY, WHO ARE YOU?

Everyone knows what waiting rooms are like. You sit and you wait, and you wait, and you wait. Unless you’re in immediate danger, chances are you will wait awhile. So that’s what I was doing, waiting. The nurse called someone’s name, and a young kid went into the next room with his parents. Now I don’t know what happened to this kid, but he was walking like a penguin, and there were blood stains all over his pants. As he went into the next room, a woman got up and started screaming at the triage nurse because she had been there longer than the kid. She wasn’t sitting with anyone, and she seemed perfectly healthy screaming at the nurse. This woman was stupid for two reasons:

1. I had been there longer than the kid too, but he was bleeding pretty heavily. I’m pretty sure he took priority.

2. The nurse just looked at her and asked, “I’m sorry ma’am, who are you? Have you registered with our triage nurse yet?” 

She hadn’t. I ended up going in before her too.

3. THEY DON’T TEACH COMMON SENSE IN MED SCHOOL HUH? 

I had a number of doctors take a look at me. But my favourite had to be the second doctor. By the time he got to me, between irrigation, ointment, and drops, I couldn’t see at all out of my eye. He tried giving me an eye exam but I told him I couldn’t see anything out of my eye. So he asked, “how many fingers am I holding up?” And I asked, “do you know what I can’t see fucking means?” And this guy passed med school.

BUT THE WINNER IS…

The winner of “stupidest person in the hospital” award goes to: the man who nearly sliced off his finger. The above contestants put in a good fight, but this guy, who became my new friend in the waiting room, wins hands down. And he knew it too. The guy had a towel wrapped around his right index finger; and he lifted the towel to show me a nasty and deep cut. I asked him how the hell he managed that, and he told me a little story about how he works in some sort of department store, and was putting stock away with a group of people:

YOUR TURN

So yes, we all do stupid things. Whether it’s sticking our head in a toilet, or trying to impress a girl by slicing our finger off, or just leaving our brains at home for the day; we all do stupid things. The first step to recovery from our stupidity is admitting it. And that is exactly what I would like you to do right now. Tell me what the stupidest thing you’ve said or done recently was in the comments down below. Don’t be shy, share with us! And don’t feel so bad, you’re probably not as stupid as they were:

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About Mr. Ray of Freaking Sunshine

When I know, you'll know.
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